whoever said that keeping your eyes closed while kissing was the rule was stupid.

be a rebel & dont.

Currently Watching Madagascar (Widescreen Edition) By Jada Pinkett Smith, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer see related

i'm back

so i came back from a 5 day cruise.
i missed him the whole time i was gone.
before i went to bed, i didnt get to call
because there isnt much reception on
the ocean. duh.

so when i get back, i call.
& what i'm met with is an
"oh. you're back already?"
no "i missed you" or
"did you have fun?" or
"do you want to get together?"
he didnt even ask what i did.
or what it was like.

and i'm positive i'm reading too much into it.
i feel like such an idiot. like i'm wasting my time.
because i believe that i deserve someone
who misses me just as much as i miss them.
or even in the ballpark of such.

mexico is so much better than home.

-sar.

You say you love me but you love me not
Something about true love that you must have forgot
To lose a memory I know just where to go
Somewhere between Texas and Mexico

dont even take the time to read.

so i was going to go with katie tomorrow to waco & meet up with some people.
that idea got x-ed by my mom.
of course, she made it into that "well i'll let you choose" thing.
& i knew if i chose to go, i'd be hearing about it for a while.
so i called katie & told her.
i havent gotten up the guts to call the other people.

i'd even picked out clothes.

for some reason, its been a rough day.
i found a binder of music that i'd sorted through,
alphabetized & all, neatly in the rings,
lying on my bed, music every which way
total disaster-like.
and i broke down & cried.

i am upset because someone had messed up something i'd spent so much time on.
i am disappointed because i wouldnt be going tomorrow.
i am nervous because i have to call back, after being so enthusiastic, and say i wont be there.
& i'm angry at myself because i'm acting this way.
i thought of so many ways to make my mom say yes.
i could not eat. i could cry. i could stop keeping her house clean.
but all of those are so selfish, and she's only thinking of me.
& i still dont care. i want to go.
i feel bad because i'd leave amy behind (not my first choice) but i wanted this bad.

god. turn on the waterworks again.
this is so stupid.
i dont even know why i'm writing this.
i'm tired. my head & stomach hurt. i want to crawl in a hole & die.

it would be dashboard time wouldnt it?

-sar.

sleep with all the sheets off,
bearing your matress, bearing your soul.
& you're dying to look smooth with your tattoos
but you're searching just like everyone could be anyone.

alright, so here's the problem

i dont know what to do.
because i know that when he says its okay,
he really means it.
i just dont understand how.

man. see, theres this communication problem
but it only seems to be with me.
i just want to be told something.
i want to be confided in.
i want to be a part of things.
and in a way i am
but in a way i'm not.

i dont even know what i mean.

adwoajcnweioaamtnaiteroawndaosdioenaeu
i need some sleep.
this is so frustrating.

other than that little episode,
drumline is killing me.
i dont remember why i want to do it.
my muscles wont loosen
and i cant move.
i'm sunburnt and i have headaches
and i cant seem to stop complaining
so i'll just stop typing.

-sar.

And I've collected all these thoughts and I'm dying just to lose them
And if your words are true or not, I'll die trying to prove them
But I'll just have to accept that my mind is so inept
And the only thing that's left for me to do is to trust you

Convince me because I really need your help
Oh convince me because I can't see this for myself

I'll put the emphasis on the evidence;;;begging for the proof
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth

i'm going dancing...

do you want to come too? i can have that arranged.
the polka fest is tomorrow.
well actually, it was all weekend.
but we're going tomorrow.
i wanted a surprise guest for this year,
but i don't think that i'll get it.

we're going around 6ish i believe.
maybe earlier. i'm very excited.
i look forward to it every year.
listening to brave combo & such.

today was graduation.
feels like time to say goodbye to some great people.
they'll do some great things, that class.
i'm sure going to miss them.

it got me to thinking.
school isnt everything.
or it shouldnt be.
it always has been for me.
its a goal. a conquest if you will.
and i'm good at it. yes, i'm good at school. the noun.
not english or math or science. i'm good at school.
but that can't be all.
theres so much more. i can feel it.

like, there'll be a family in my future,
and friends and a life. and a job.
but i dont know that school is what is preparing me for it.
its more like everything outside of school really.

i dont know why i work for grades.
they'll mean nothing next year.

this is another one of those tests.
i just dont know what i'm supposed to be learning from it yet.

but somebody in my life,
he's being nice.
and if there's someone as great as him in my future,
i won't have a thing to worry about.
                           (i'm raising my standards...)

-sar.

live in my house, i'll be your shelter
just pay me back with one thousand kisses
be my lover..i'll cover you.

open your door, i'll be your tenant
dont got much baggage to lay at your feet
but sweet kisses i've got to spare
i'll be there...i'll cover you

i think they meant it when they said you can't buy love
now i know you can rent it...a new lease you are, my love,
on life. be my life.